Raising Children the Best We Can (Part Two)

“Hello,” I would shout as I came in the door after arriving home about 6:30 or 7:00 pm. from work.  Usually the three children were at the front door to greet me and they would be jostling each other to try to get my attention.  “Mom I need help with my homework,” Jessica would say.  “Mom Samuel hit me,” Ellen would complain.  “Mom the sitter was mean to me today,” Samuel would say woefully.  They would all end up shouting at me as each of them tried to get my attention.   I would squeeze past them giving each a perfunctory hello and a hug before I rushed to the kitchen to prepare dinner.  I know they each wanted some one on one time with me but it would have to wait until after dinner.   They were all overwrought with hunger by the time I arrived home.   All three of them would continue to talk to me at the same time as I prepared dinner.   I would try to get them to take turns but it was pretty impossible. 

 Sometimes I could find a sitter who was affordable, reliable and cooked dinner but that was the exception.   Sitters came and went on a regular basis.  I couldn’t afford daycare for three children.  My children were not the easiest to take care of.   Samuel and Ellen weren’t keen on following rules. 

“Mom, Ellen is crying again,” Jessica told me.  It wasn’t like I didn’t know.  I had just walked in the door from the office. It was about 6:30 pm.  I saw Ellen sitting in the hallway that connected the main part of the small house to the bedrooms.  She was hugging her stuffed animal and sobbing.  I stroked her head and said, “I love you.  Everything will be OK.   Come have some dinner now.”   Ellen continued to cry for the rest of the evening.  I finally coaxed her into my bed about 8:30 p.m.  She was exhausted.   This same scene was replayed every night for months.   As soon as I walked through the door she would start to cry.   I was desperate to get her to stop. I know I was not always patient and kind when she cried. I was overwhelmed at that time in my life to put it mildly.  I wanted some peace and quiet in the evenings.  At the time I had no idea why she was crying.  As I look back on it I think it was her way of grieving over the divorce and the loss of her father.  For Ellen that was a significant loss. But I didn't have any clue about all of that at the time this was going on.
One night I sat down next to Ellen in the hallway and pretended to cry.  The funny thing is that real tears came down my cheeks.   We cried together for several nights.   After that Ellen just stopped sitting in the hallway and crying.  If only I had thought to do that sooner!
In all our effort to manage the day to day "necessities" of life sometimes we forget to or simply don't have the energy to make time for the emotional needs of our children.  This was Ellen's way of getting my attention.  How many times did I ignore her pleas for attention and maybe help?   I tried not to berate myself too much for my failures and instead vowed to do a better job in the future.  Somehow the pressing demands of life continued to push the emotional well being  or emotional needs of my children and myself down to the bottom of the "to do" list. I would pay a price for that later but I would also learn to make it a priority.  As a single mom or a busy mom or person, how do we remind ourselves to take the time out of our crazy, busy lives to listen to and give love to our children and others in our lives?  Isn't there only so much of "us" to go around.  Is it an ongoing challenge for you as it is for me?