The days and months dragged on. I don’t recall if Deborah (the "angel") ever came back to visit us again. Something changed that day. We still had sleepless nights and we still experienced all the physical manifestations and emotional fallout of the illness. But I no longer felt totally alone, isolated and abandoned. Some days I didn’t even feel so angry. I can’t explain what happened. It is difficult to find words to explain the beginnings of an emotional transformation. How could Deborah’s act of reading a few psalms and telling us it was OK to be angry with God change everything? It just did. Maybe it was because I was reminded that others had suffered and were suffering like we were. Maybe I needed someone to tell me that I was not being punished or singled out. This illness is something that happened for no particular reason. God had provided comfort to the psalmists in their darkest hours. I wondered what that would that look or feel like for me. Would He be there for me as well? Maybe God did exist and maybe he hadn’t abandoned me.
I had no idea then but Deborah’s visit opened the door to looking for and finding something more than misery and despair in this situation. I started to see my experience in terms of something other than my own personal suffering. It was part of something bigger. I don’t mean some kind of a “plan. Many others were suffering and others, like Deborah, understood our despair. Deborah had mirrored God’s love, understanding and support. I wouldn’t understand that until much later. I was reminded that others had suffered greatly and triumphed over it. Maybe we could too. My suffering was not a punishment. I stopped seeing myself as being victimized.
This one dimensional, inert God of my childhood was gone. He was replaced with a, figuratively speaking, breathing, living entity. I could express my inner most feelings to Him. He could even accept my anger and yes hatred toward Him and not turn away from me. He understood my pain. He loved me unconditionally with a steadfast love. How did I know this? I saw it mirrored in Deborah. My rational armor was beginning to crack. I was starting to believe there was a spiritual world –a world that we can’t measure scientifically but that exists nonetheless. My belief would grow and strengthen but for now it was minute. Her words were powerful but not as powerful as her presence. Her presence spoke much more than words ever could. I wish I could say more but words are so inadequate to explain it. It has to be experienced – felt. I can close my eyes and feel that loving presence. I would do that in my darkest hours.
There are very few people like Deborah. She just exuded spirituality. It oozed out of her pores. I was fortunate to have met her. This was brought home to me when some time after Brian died I went to lunch with Deborah. She couldn’t talk of such mundane matters as jobs, children, husbands, etc. Her focus was elsewhere. At first I was sorely disappointed that I couldn’t connect with her on that level. I was angry that she didn’t treat me differently or special because of what I had been through. Then I realized that I connected with her on a much higher or more important level. I see that her love for everyone was the same. Isn’t that how it should be? Her presence was inspiring and calming. Her main focus was beyond the mundane affairs of the day. Isn’t that what a spiritual leader should be? We never went to lunch together again.
Q: Do you have or have you ever had a person or experience that raised you to a different or better understanding of spiritual matters?
