I was pretty tough in those days or at least I thought I was. (This was back in the 80s when I was in my late 20s and early 30s). I certainly had to go outside the parameters of the traditional female role of that time in order to survive and take care of my children as a single mom. That required engaging in some traditional male behaviors such as direct confrontations with others. That created some anxiety for me at first but like most things in life I got used to it.
As a result I thought I could face any situation alone. At least I had convinced myself that I could. I had to because I really had no other options. It was just the reality of my life back then. I had no safety net – no support emotionally or financially in the days when my children were very young. So I was surprised that my “invincibility” was shaken by this upcoming event. I was afraid it might turn into an ugly confrontation. Brian, whom I would later marry, was taking all of us –the children and I- to meet his family for the first time. He was very close to his family. We were going to spend Thanksgiving at his sister, Nancy’s house. She had five children. Brian was bringing his daughter, Bridget and I was bringing my three.
By this time, we had met many of Brian’s “friends” and taken the kids with us to business events that included family and friends. People fussed over Bridget. She was the center of attention. I remember one of my first experiences occurred when we were all invited to dinner by one of Brian’s clients. We were going to this great western steakhouse. This was the kind of place I couldn’t afford to take my children in those days. It was going to be a real treat for them. They were excited and so was I. Brian and Bridget came to pick us up. When we arrived at the restaurant our hosts Bob and Kim were already there. They were waiting at the entrance for us.
Kim came running over as we approached. She grabbed Bridget and hugged her. She started asking her all about school, her mom, etc. I was waiting for the greeting to finish so I could introduce myself and my children to her. The “greeting” never finished. Brian and Bob talked business at one end of the table. Bridget sat next to Kim. My children and I sat at the far end of the table. Bridget and Kim chatted and laughed together throughout the evening. Kim ordered special drinks and desserts for Bridget.
At the beginning of the evening I tried to converse with Kim but it was like penetrating a thick wall. I tried to engage my children in some conversation but they were all silent during dinner. I sat wondering if there was any way to confront Kim or anyone else about this treatment without looking petty or jealous. If there was a way I never discovered it. After all maybe I was just being petty and jealous? I know that I expect too much of people. I expected Kim to be a gracious hostess. She wasn’t and I didn’t know how to deal with that. As I look back I should just have asserted myself there as I had to do in the business world but I didn’t know how to do that, yet, in a social situation.
So I prepared myself for a similar experience at Brian’s sister’s house. I knew that she was a close friend of Bridget’s mother. I didn’t want to get all defensive but I didn’t want my children to continually receive that same message of inferiority. I spent the drive going over several scenarios in my mind as to how I would protect my children even if it meant being confrontational.
At that time I naively thought this disparity in treatment would pass as time went on. But in the years to come, Brian and I would have many a heated argument over this issue. There was definitely a subliminal message that my children were second class citizens compared to Bridget. She was prettier, smarter, better behaved than my kids or so the message went. Brian said it wasn’t happening and that I was overly sensitive. I went along with that for a while in part because I doubted myself and my perceptions. People in our business and social world were blind to it or ignored it and went along with “Brian’s” program. Unfortunately my children weren’t blind to it.
It really hurt to see my children treated like this especially when they would look at me with eyes that said I was supposed to protect them. It took me a while to trust myself and my perceptions. I am not exactly sure when I finally did get it. I had a huge sense of guilt for letting it go on for so long. But the critical issue for the time being was how I was going to handle this with Brian’s sister? I braced myself for the worst.
Brian entered the house first. I heard someone greet him. As soon as I walked through the door I was smothered with a big hug. “Welcome, welcome. We are so glad you could be here for Thanksgiving!” I looked up to see Brian’s sister, Nancy, beaming a huge smile at me. Each of my children received a similar welcome. Nancy started talking to me as if she had known me for years. She introduced my children to her brood and invited them to make themselves right at home which they did. It was a wonderful holiday. I noticed that Bridget hung back a little. I guess that she wasn’t used to not being the center of attention. I felt bad for her. My children were having a great time hanging out with the “cousins”.
While we were in the middle of our Thanksgiving meal there was a knock at the door. Nancy jumped up from her chair and ran over to greet a woman. The woman was dressed in tight pants and a top that didn’t cover her navel. She had platinum blond hair, purple finger nail polish, bright blue eye shadow and black lipstick. She was accompanied by a small skinny toddler dressed in clothes that were a few sizes too small for him. Nancy turned and announced their arrival. “This is Kevin, my grandson and Deanna his mother. This is Eric’s son.” I knew something of the family history from Brian. Eric wasn’t married and never had been. He had a drinking problem and couldn’t hold a job or so I had been told.
“Deanna is an alcoholic and drug addict. She claims Kevin is Eric’s son but I am not sure. She and Eric were together only very briefly. Deanna has trouble holding a job. She and Kevin were homeless for a while and they stayed here. She is doing better now but she hangs out with other drug addicts and I worry about Kevin,” Nancy said. She spoke as if she was reciting ingredients in a recipe. I kept waiting to hear it – the judgment - the contempt for Deanna, her lifestyle and her inability to be a competent mother to Kevin. But all I detected in Nancy’s demeanor and tone of voice was love and concern for Deanna and Kevin.
I was shocked that Nancy would fuss over Kevin like she did her other grandchildren! I remember thinking at the time that people like Deanna, who engage in this type of behavior, need to have some consequence so others will be deterred from such conduct. At a minimum shouldn’t Deanna and, by implication Kevin, be ostracized or at least treated with a little disdain as some consequence? That is what I was brought up to believe and that attitude unconsciously surfaced.
Wait. Wasn’t I just ecstatic that Nancy didn’t treat my children any differently because I was divorced? Nancy opened her home and her heart to my children, to me and to everyone else. What a mean spirited hypocrite I was!
She was all about love. She didn’t have a mean bone in her body,” my ever sensitive eldest son, Samuel, said between sobs. It was many, many years after we first met Nancy. We were standing together at the cemetery for Nancy’s funeral service. How true I thought. My eldest son was just a child when he spent a lot of time with Nancy yet her message reached him. She welcomed everyone into her home and her heart. She had health problems that were beyond horrible. She had serious issues with her own children. Yet she always smiled. She never complained. She was ever so grateful for what she did have. Most of us wrote her off as a nut case. She was out of touch with the real world we said to ourselves. I guess she was out of touch with the way the world worked. She wasn’t judgmental. She didn’t treat people differently based on their lifestyle, mistakes or history. Nancy lived her Christian faith. We watched as they lowered her casket into the ground. She had always been there for me. I would sorely miss her. Her love enveloped you and could take the cares of the world away.
