Brian had pursued me vigorously. I had been pursued before. That is not to say that I am so great. It is only that I am part of the generation where men pursued us and the women protested or played hard to get. In this case I wasn’t playing hard to get. I really didn’t want another relationship at least not with Brian. After my experiences with David I was not the least bit interested in having another relationship. Brian and I ended up getting married. But this time I spent a number of years getting to know Brian before we decided to get married.
“It is your husband on the phone,” the receptionist at my office said over the intercom. I picked up the phone. “My Dad is back in the hospital. It doesn’t look good. Can you come to the hospital right now?” Brian asked. I went to the hospital. I called the sitter from there, “Can you stay late today? I will be at the hospital until visiting hours about 8 pm.” “OK,” she said. “Let me talk to the children, “I said. I talked about how their day went. I reviewed whether homework was done and preparations made for the next day. I kissed them all good night over the phone of course. I went back to the vigil by the bedside.
The bedside vigil went on for at least two weeks. It was grueling. Brian and I had been back and forth to the hospital almost every day. During the course of those two weeks, I had received multiple urgent messages at the office advising me to come as soon as possible as the end was imminent. This all took place just a month before our wedding. In that same month I sold my house and moved out. The children and I had moved into Brian’s house. Brian and I were making the final preparations for the wedding. I moved out of Brian’s house when we had a huge blowout and we called the wedding off I was in court everyday as lead counsel in a huge trial that was expected to last at least 6 weeks. Brian and I were both physically and emotionally exhausted.
“Get your stuff together right now. We are leaving!” I shouted as I opened each of the doors to my children’s respective bedrooms. They didn’t question me. While they gathered up their stuff I gathered up some of my clothing. We threw our stuff into the minivan and we drove to a hotel where we would spend the first of several nights. I drove the children to school the next morning and then I went to court. In a few days we would move into a rental house. As I pulled away from Brian’s house that night I looked in the rear view mirror. I saw Brian standing at the front door. He was still very angry but also incredulous.
I remember it so clearly. Brian and I were sitting on the couch in the TV room of the first house we lived in together. The children were in their bedrooms getting ready for bed. I have no recollection of what was said. Brian and I exchanged angry words. I decided I couldn’t marry him. I decided to leave. I had no idea, at that time, what drove me to do that. I am sure I convinced myself it was something Brian said or did. As I look back on it I think I was driven by fear. I wanted the security and comfort of marriage but I was afraid of what that would mean to my independence and identity. Brian had very traditional ideas about marriage. What price would I have to pay to be married? A huge conflict was raging in me. It drove me to leave Brian’s house that night. I was so selfish I didn’t even think about the price my children would pay for my erratic behavior.
QUERY: Sometimes our emotions are so strong, especially fear, that we forget to consider the consequences to ourselves and others. Have you ever had such an experience? Have you figured out a way to deal with those powerful feelings before you cause alot of emotional damage?
