Concious Compassion

I believe compassion is one of the cornerstones of society. As I observe people going about their daily lives and observe what is in the media,  I believe it is in short supply these days. ( I include myself in these observations).  I am not talking about the type of “compassion” where we donate money to what we consider to be worthy. That may be a form of “compassion” although perhaps a bit impersonal.   I’m referring to practicing compassion in our daily interactions with others and our attitude toward others.

Do you believe it is important to be compassionate?  What does practicing “compassion” mean to you?

I am taking a hiatus as I will be on vacation for the next several weeks.

Continuity with our electronic devices

Do a search on twitter or other social media and you will see the use of the word "continuity" as language they use to market their electronic devices to us.  It is a valuable asset and something you want to have with your cell phone, computers, printers, etc.

It struck me recently how little continuity we have in other parts of our lives.  Everywhere I hear the "mantra" that the only constant in our lives is change.  I think this is especially true now with the fast paced lives we currently live.  It was not so for past generations.

The generation born around 1925 and sometime thereafter worked at the same company for most of their lives and longevity was honored and celebrated.  Currently you can become professionally “stale” if you remain with one company more than five years. Often as companies change and the economy adjusts we are not even given the option of remaining for more than a few years.   Most marriages don’t last as long as the previous generations – 50 years or more. We tend to change houses about every 5 years.  We frequently move from city or state.  

I agree it is good to accept and welcome change.  Still we do need continuity. (Continuity is defined by Webster’s as “the unbroken and consistent existence or operation of something over a period of time.)  As with most things I think we need to achieve a balance.

Where is the continuity in our lives?  We seem to form most of our relationships in our work environments.But what happens when our work situation changes?  I find continuity within my family but I am aware if I rely too much on them the relationship can become a burden, even poisonous. Lack of continuity in other areas of our lives strains our relationships. I am painfully aware that when I don’t find continuity elsewhere I do rely too much on my family.

How do we find that balance?  Perhaps if we (as a society) valued it more we would find more of it in our lives.   Instead of valuing excessive activity or “busyness” we could value continuity and community. After all it is only with continuity that we forge strong and lasting bonds with each other and with communities.

Forgiveness and self-love

Acivity is the enemy of reflection.  Don’t get me wrong too much reflection and we can become morose and even depressed.  But too much activity and we can gloss over or repress our feelings and emotions.  It is, like most things in life, a balancing act.

Forgiveness is an especially tough one.  The need to forgive can be masked by so many other emotions like guilt and even anger.  We need some real time to reflect in order to discern what we need to forgive ourselves for.  For me a big one was to forgive myself for being such a lousy mother for so many years. (I still make many, many mistakes i must forgive myself for, in spite of my huge improvement). 

We carry around this guilt or anger or feeling of uneasiness or dissatisfaction.  Something is nagging at us and won’t give us any peace.  Usually when I feel that way I know I have done something “wrong”.  It takes a little bit of soul searching to figure out what it is and then more soul searching to actually forgive myself.   It means that I have to admit I am not perfect and I actually made a mistake. (See my last post). Then I have to tell myself I am human and we all make mistakes.  That is how we learn and grow after all as mistakes are our great teachers.  True forgiveness means I can’t call it up at a later time and chastise myself for this mistake or failing.  Often I find I say I have forgiven myself only to catch myself beating myself up at a later time.   Identify, forgive, learn the lesson and then close the door on the recriminations, guilt, anger, etc.  We want to dispassionately remember the event or mistake so we can call up the lesson but we don’t want to continue to berate ourselves for making the mistake.

It is so true that until we can learn to forgive ourselves we can’t possibly forgive others.  Is this another aspect of self-love perhaps?  We often confuse forgiveness of others with simply accepting bad treatment from them.  There is a difference.  Forgiveness means we let go of any anger or judgment.  The false forgiveness may simply be a lack of boundaries where we are willing to “forgive and forget” bad treatment or behavior.    Forgiveness is not easy or automatic.   We develop a forgiving heart by forgiving ourselves and then when we have acquired a forgiving heart we can also forgive others.

Perfectionism and self-love

So many of us grew up believing we had to be “perfect” in order to be loved. We had to earn love. (Have things changed?)  It was not until I became an adult that I realized love is a gift. I still have a hard time believing it.

Being “perfect” meant conforming to the societal norms for a “girl”.   We were polite, considerate, thoughtful, never boastful or ambitious, supportive of others, put the needs of others ahead of our needs, patient, humble and much more.  We were supposed to blend in.  We never wanted to call attention to ourselves. (This is one reason we struggled in the work world).  We would berate ourselves mercilessly if we failed in any small way in our pursuit of perfection and love.  We would harshly judge and certainly avoid other “girls” who failed or chose a different path. We looked for “perfection” in others as well but we were hardest on ourselves.

It is impossible to accept who we are if we are always falling short of this “perfect female”. (We are even afraid to admit we have any faults or shortcomings or even make mistakes and so we are dishonest with ourselves and others.)

Doesn’t genuine love happen, not when we glorify or idealize another person, but when we love them with all their shortcomings, foibles and faults?  We don’t really love another person if we love the image or fantasy we have created of them.  The same can be true of us. Perhaps that is what the “experts” mean when they say you have to love yourself before you can love another. It is only when we accept ourselves for whom we are (and admit we are not perfect) that we can accept others for who they are. We can experience genuine love. It seems self acceptance is one part of self-love.

"Empowerment"?

Empowerment photo? Someone posted it as one. 

Everywhere I turn it seems I see the word empowerment. It is tied to food, women, health, and on and on.  It struck me today that I really have only a very vague idea of its meaning. Is there any substance to the concept of “empowerment” or is it just a marketing gimmick.    I looked it up in Webster’s which provides a meaning, “to give power to someone”. So are we giving power to ourselves or is someone else giving it to us?   My vague understanding is that much of the “empowerment” information in terms of women’s issues is about giving power to ourselves or at least not letting others take away our power.

When I use the word “power” I specifically mean we have the power to change our lives by changing our own behavior and attitude in any given situation and at any given period of time in our lives. First we have to recognize what our attitude is and that may be the hardest part. Our attitudes and behaviors are so ingrained in us they can be very, very difficult to recognize.  Once we know, recognize and understand our attitude and/or our behavior we can work to change it. I’m not saying changing it is easy but at least we have a target.

By giving you my thoughts am I “empowering” you to change your life by changing your attitude and behavior?  My curiosity is peaked and I will be looking into the meaning of “empowerment” more in the coming weeks. I will also be exploring self-love more. (I tend to jump around subjects a bit.  I apologize). 

What empowers us?  What does it mean to be empowered? Do we need to be empowered? Who empowers us?  I always seem to have more questions than answers!

What is love?

It seems before we can explore the idea of "self-love" we need to explore the concept of love in general. That makes sense. 

Is love an art just like living is an art?  If it is an art it requires knowledge and effort.  Or is love just a pleasant sensation? 

According to Erich Fromm in his book, "The Art of Loving”, love is an art which requires mastery of the theory and mastery of the practice just like any art such as music, medicine, etc.

Today is short and sweet but something that needs some serious pondering?  How do you see "love"? Do you treat it as an art or as a pleasant sensation?

Back to self-love

I just remembered that a few weeks ago I said I was going to explore the concept of "self-love" that we hear so much about.  Some suggest that it is the foundation for a meaningful and happy life.  So what exactly is it?  Do I have it?  If I don't have it how do I cultivate it?  Do I really care if I "have" it?  As usual there seem to be more questions that answers but we have to start someone on this journey.

Here is what wikipedia says about self-love.

Self-love is the love of oneself.

In 1956 psychologist and social philosopher Erich Fromm proposed that loving oneself is different from being arrogant, conceited or egocentric.  He proposed that loving oneself means caring about oneself, taking responsibility for oneself, respecting oneself, and knowing oneself(e.g. being realistic and honest about one's strengths and weaknesses). He proposed, further, that in order to be able to truly love another person, a person needs first to love oneself in this way.


Well this is as good a place as any to start on my "quest".  I'm going to contemplate the definition and look into Erich Fromm's (seen below)  background a little bit.

  

The Funny Bone - Really!

There are so many serious and sad events in the news . For some reason as I felt myself getting sad over these recent events I started to think about some of the funny people in my life.  

My Aunt and my Grandfather, both passed away many years ago, were very funny people.  I get a warm feeling whenever I think of them. I think people with a sense of humor are remembered in a special way.  

My son-in-law has great funny one-liners.  We recently had a conversation about a mutual friend.  I am worried about her recent choice in men and said so to my son-in-law.  ”But I think she is just lonely right now and wants some companionship” I said to him.  “Oh he is just a “placeholder” my son-in-law replied.  I chuckled then and I still chuckle whenever I think of his comment.  It takes some of the sting out of the worry.  Humor really does “lighten the load”.

I am not funny at all –ever.   When I was young, even as a child, I think I felt like life was very serious and my mood reflected that. I’m definitely more light hearted than I was when I was younger. But I still can never think of anything funny to say.  I never tell a joke because I am like Nemo’s father in “Finding Nemo”.  I just sound stupid.  I guess my funny bone is  missing! 

Maybe I can borrow his!

   
I envy people who can make others laugh. I guess humor is, like a lot of things in life, a gift.  I’ll keep hoping my sense of humor will develop because funny people do create happiness in so many small and big ways. Thanks to all those who have a sense of humor.  Keep making the rest of us laugh!

The "common good"? Does it exist?

As I listen to the politicians criticize and berate the opposing political party over the situation in Ukraine I am confronted again with the sad state of our national politics.

Our culture seems to be obsessed with the blame game. Immediately after an event happens the focus shifts to who or what to blame for the crisis rather than how to help or even heal.  Perhaps divisive comments and blame make “good” news and thus become the focus of the media.   But even if that is the principal reason for the blame game we should pause to consider that such a penchant can create damage to our national psyche and culture. It trickles down to business, communities and even families.

Sometimes determining responsibility is a good thing if it will lead to preventative measures or even if there should be some consequence. But should it be the principal focus?

Can we reframe our psyche to see a problem that we all must work together to solve? There is a "common good" – something we all value that we all share and which we want to promote or protect.   If we can’t seem to find that maybe we should do some national or personal soul searching to find it. Let’s rally around our "common good" putting aside our differences so we can work together for the "common good".  And let’s recognize and promote those who do rather than those who don’t. We will feel much better about ourselves and our nation if we are engaged in a positive, productive ventures rather than tearing each other down.

An Attitude of Gratitude

We hear so much about how this current, young generation has such an attitude of entitlement. I don’t know if that is true or not but it started me thinking about the attitudes of previous generations.  I’m probably too close to the situation to comment on the attitudes of the baby boom generation as I am one of them.  However, 

I can comment on what I have observed about my parents and grandparents who lived through the Great Depression.   Part of the legacy of that era is fear and anxiety but there is also a legacy of gratitude.  

They were and are grateful for all that they do have even if by our standards it is not much.   But it is more than that.  Their attitude reflects the knowledge that all that they have is not just a result of their own efforts.  They recognize that other people have contributed to their success such as parents, friends, spouses, co-workers and many more.   Most of them believe God has been at work in their lives providing for them. They understand they could not have all they have or achieved all they have achieved without the support and help of others.

When you are grateful I think you are humble and you are compassionate towards those who don’t have as much.  Just as we recognize all of our success is not a result of just our own efforts we recognize that others failure is not a result of just their own shortcomings.    Other forces are at work in our lives. That generation seems to be more interested in helping and not so much in blaming and shaming.   We can learn so much from them.

Let’s live with an attitude of gratitude! 

The Olympics - a different lesson?

Do you like to watch the Olympics?   I do!  I love watching the events but I don’t typically watch interviews of the athletes.  I just happened to catch an interview of one of the members of the U.S. Women’s bobsled team.   

I am concerned that we overemphasize individualism.    When individualism dominates it impedes our ability or desire to form or be part of “communities”.  These competing interests become out of balance.  Individualism run amuck can create an unhealthy self-love and turn our competitors into enemies.

This athlete said it better than I could. She prefers being a member of the bobsled team to being a solo track star.   As a solo track star the focus is all on you and you can become very narcissistic.  When you are a member of a team it is about the team and how you can contribute to make a better team. You are a part of something greater than yourself.

TV characters as friends?!! Really?

The other night I had some plans with friends to go out for a glass of wine and maybe a light dinner.  For whatever reason I was searching for a way out.  I found myself thinking instead about spending the evening sitting on the couch watching my favorite TV characters.  I’m not sure why but meeting up with my flesh and blood friends seemed like a lot of work, effort and energy that I didn’t have or want to expend.  I went to visit my friends of course.  I had a wonderful time and as we spent time together I felt our “connection” grow and deepen.

Media and especially the proliferation of interesting TV series on cable networks have made TV watching so much more interesting and fun.  But are we confusing entertainment with “engagement”?  . It is so easy to interact with our TV or media friends. They are predictable and comforting in their predictability. We can turn them on and off when we want to.  But they don’t “engage” us. They don’t challenge us, comfort us, disappoint us, argue with or care about us. 

Let’s be careful that we do not use our TV friends or media entertainment to avoid or hide from the experiences, joys and challenges of flesh and blood relationships?  Flesh and blood relationships make us feel vulnerable and can be messy and difficult but the rewards are amazing as I was reminded one night last week.

Love thyself? Narcissism?

What does “self-love” mean to you?

It recently came up again but I have heard the term “self –love” discussed by many psychologists for many years.  I have always had a vague notion about the concept but what really is self-love?  I do know it is considered to be an important concept for personal growth but I don't have a real handle as to what it really means or how to find it and use it in my life.

I have always been wary of the term because in the world in which I was raised it was equated or confused with being conceited or selfish.   It was not a concept we were raised to value or look for. Attitudes have changed but I see that perhaps some parents have gone a bit overboard in counteracting the messages of our upbringing.  In seeking to raise children to value themselves I hope we have not created young adults that confuse self love with narcissism.  Narcissism to me is caring only about yourself and having no concern for others except for how what they do affects you.  Narcissists lack empathy. 

So I have decided to begin a quest to define self-love, find it or the lack of it in my own life and decide if I really should develop more of it to help me live my life to the fullest.   I hope you will join me.

Awards for achievement or something else?

As the time for the Oscars approaches I am reminded of my perception that we  bestow too may awards in our culture.   Perhaps it is just that awards can garner more attention because of the media.  But I rather think we bestow too many awards and in doing so the awards become watered down and less meaningful. In some professions the award becomes more of a marketing tool than an actual award for an achievement.   (In some fields I think it is too difficult to "judge" achievement.)  Anyway I find myself being cynical when I hear about another award or award winner.

Are there too many awards?  Have many of them become more of a marketing tool than a recognition of achievement?   Are some of them bestowed upon people who lobby and network the best rather than those that have "achieved" something noteworthy?  If so perhaps we should be careful to distinguish between types of awards and stop calling all of them achievement awards.  Some of the awards would be better recognized as marketing awards or self-promotion awards. Then we could really honor those who have "achieved" great things.

A paradox in the age of facebook and twitter?

I have noticed what appears to be a paradox.  In this facebook, twitter age it seems the more we reveal about our “outer” lives -activities and opinions the less we reveal about our inner lives – emotions, desires.

 As I reflect on the New Year I have “resolved” to “work” on creating closer personal connections by sharing more of my inner life. I am not talking about spending more time on twitter or facebook. I am referring to spending time in the physical presence of people I want to connect with on a deeper level. (It requires a willingness to be “vulnerable” but that is a subject for another time.) 

When people engage in activities together it seems to be easier to communicate with and open up to each other.  A few activities that come to my mind are cooking a meal together or going for a walk together. These allow us opportunities to talk to each other which activities such as going to a movie together do not allow.  Perhaps it can be described as engaging in a communal activity versus a solitary activity done together.

I have noticed that I often want to cancel these get togethers at the last minute. I don’t feel like it or I have some other excuse.  It seems like so much effort to physically get together especially when we can email, tweet or post something on facebook when we feel like it.  It does take more effort but it is so worth it.   You can only discover that if you give it a try.

New Year Reflection before Resolution

It is the start of a new year and we feel like our lives can have a new start as well.   Often we act on this feeling of “newness” by resolving to shed some of our bad habits or by vowing to create some new good habits.   I have nothing against New Year resolutions.   I just believe they would be more productive if they were preceded by some honest reflection about our lives and ourselves. 

Here are a few of the things I am reflecting on at the start of this New Year.  Has my behavior over the past year reflected my values?  Or perhaps have I strayed from those values in how I treat others?  Am I putting my energy into activities that promote my values?    Am I holding a “grudge” against a co-worker, employer, friend or family member?   How can I resolve that grudge?   Holding onto anger keeps me anchored in the past and in unhealthy patterns of behavior.  Failing to be true to my values causes me to not like myself.

  Sometimes we don’t even realize these things are happening to us.  We just have a small nagging feeling that something is amiss or not right.   It is very easy to ignore those feelings by staying busy or occupied.  We live in a world that values activities and staying busy. Time spent reflecting is often seen as a waste of time and a sign of laziness because we didn’t “accomplish” a task that can be quantitatively measured.

Honest reflection can lead to resolutions for change.  We always have the power to change our lives by changing our own attitude and behavior even if nothing else changes.  So join me in reflecting this New Year.  It may be the most productive thing we can do even if we can’t “prove” it to someone else.