Taking a respite from blogging. Would welcome your "stories".

The Silent Killers

 There has been enough “buzz” in our media saturated world that we easily recognize our enemies.  Oh I ‘m not referring to the wars we are still involved in.  I am referring to enemies of our self esteem and specifically our internal enemies – the ones we create for ourselves.  We are armed against the most common internal predators like statements such as “You are not a good wife, mother, employee, spouse, daughter because a good mother doesn’t say that to her child or a good employee does not arrive late for work.  We often say these things to ourselves when our behavior doesn’t match our image of what we should be doing or how we should be acting in that role. We recognize that perfection is unattainable and we are on guard when we expect it of ourselves.  We can forgive ourselves for not attaining the unattainable. At least I hope we can.

But what about the silent killers of self- esteem?  They are not so easily recognized because they do not convey explicit messages of failure. They creep up on us and hide in our psyche.  They can envelope us so quickly.

I was relaxing, reading the newspaper the other morning.  I couldn’t quite seem to enjoy reading it.  I kept interrupting myself with comments like, “you have work to do”, “the dishwasher needs to be unloaded”, and “you have many phone calls to make today”.  Eventually I gave in to the voice telling me I should be doing something other than what I was doing and put down the newspaper. Really what’s wrong with taking 15 or 30 minutes to read the newspaper early in the morning while you drink your morning coffee?  Intellectually there is nothing wrong with it but subconsciously there are many things wrong with it.  You are not doing what you are supposed to be doing which is typically something “productive” like work – housework or other work.  You are lazy.  You shouldn’t enjoy yourself until all your “work” is done.  Is it really ever done?

So let’s guard against the silent killers of self-esteem – the malaise or cloud hanging over us telling us that we are a “bad” person because we are taking some time out of the day to do" nothing" or to do something that isn’t defined as “productive” or to do something that benefits no one but ourselves.  It is hard to recognize, I think, because this attitude is so ingrained in us.

Q:  What negative messages are you sending yourself daily?  Recognizing them, I believe, is the first step toward prevention.

What about God? (Part Four)

The days and months dragged on.  I don’t recall if Deborah (the "angel") ever came back to visit us again.  Something changed that day.  We still had sleepless nights and we still experienced all the physical manifestations and emotional fallout of the illness.  But I no longer felt totally alone, isolated and abandoned.  Some days I didn’t even feel so angry.  I can’t explain what happened.   It is difficult to find words to explain the beginnings of an emotional transformation.  How could Deborah’s act of reading a few psalms and telling us it was OK to be angry with God change everything?  It just did.  Maybe it was because I was reminded that others had suffered and were suffering like we were.    Maybe I needed someone to tell me that I was not being punished or singled out.  This illness is something that happened for no particular reason.  God had provided comfort to the psalmists in their darkest hours.  I wondered what that would that look or feel like for me.   Would He be there for me as well?  Maybe God did exist and maybe he hadn’t abandoned me. 

  I had no idea then but Deborah’s visit opened the door to looking for and finding something more than misery and despair in this situation.  I started to see my experience in terms of something other than my own personal suffering.    It was part of something bigger. I don’t mean some kind of a “plan.  Many others were suffering and others, like Deborah, understood our despair.   Deborah had mirrored God’s love, understanding and support.   I wouldn’t understand that until much later.    I was reminded that others had suffered greatly and triumphed over it.  Maybe we could too.   My suffering was not a punishment.  I stopped seeing myself as being victimized.

This one dimensional, inert God of my childhood was gone.  He was replaced with a, figuratively speaking, breathing, living entity.   I could express my inner most feelings to Him.  He could even accept my anger and yes hatred toward Him and not turn away from me.  He understood my pain. He loved me unconditionally with a steadfast love.  How did I know this?  I saw it mirrored in Deborah. My rational armor was beginning to crack.  I was starting to believe there was a spiritual world –a world that we can’t measure scientifically but that exists nonetheless.  My belief would grow and strengthen but for now it was minute.  Her words were powerful but not as powerful as her presence.  Her presence spoke much more than words ever could.   I wish I could say more but words are so inadequate to explain it.  It has to be experienced – felt.   I can close my eyes and feel that loving presence.   I would do that in my darkest hours.

There are very few people like Deborah. She just exuded spirituality. It oozed out of her pores.  I was fortunate to have met her.  This was brought home to me when some time after Brian died I went to lunch with Deborah.  She couldn’t talk of such mundane matters as jobs, children, husbands, etc.  Her focus was elsewhere.  At first I was sorely disappointed that I couldn’t connect with her on that level. I was angry that she didn’t treat me differently or special because of what I had been through. Then I realized that I connected with her on a much higher or more important level.   I see that her love for everyone was the same.  Isn’t that how it should be?  Her presence was inspiring and calming.  Her main focus was beyond the mundane affairs of the day.  Isn’t that what a spiritual leader should be?  We never went to lunch together again. 

Q: Do you have or have you ever had a person or experience that raised you to a different or better understanding of spiritual matters?

IIlegitimate Unhappiness?

I just feel plain sad these days.  Oh there have been a lot of serious changes in my life.  I know that a lot of the sadness is just the process of grieving over my losses.  That seems to me to be a legitimate type of unhappiness.

But this cloud of sadness has been spreading and morphing into self pity and general unhappiness with my life.  I think of it as an emotional temper tantrum.   I started to get angry about everything and at everyone. I ended up in a very dark place. I’ve done this before, of course, but I’m tired of it.

Have you ever noticed that most unhappiness stems from wishing things were other than they are?  We wish a spouse, partner, child, parent, employer, co-worker, job, house or bank account was something other than what it is. We almost can’t help ourselves when it comes to material things because we are constantly bombarded with advertisements and messages that we need more, bigger and better material things.  I think that attitude has spilled over into our relationships, employment and other aspects of our lives.   In my opinion wishing things were other than what they are is an illegitimate form of unhappiness.

So I stopped wishing and complaining. I reminded myself that it is good to accept things and people as they are.   Oh that doesn’t mean I don’t want some changes to happen in the future.  It is a totally present state of mind.  I accept everything as it is and I do it gladly. This includes me and where I am in my life.

Funny thing - positive changes happen when I gladly accept things as they are.  For starters, I get along better with the people in my life and I am much happier.  Imagine that!

Q:  Have you experienced an "emotional temper tantrum"?  How do you resolve it?