It is difficult to imagine that attitudes were so different in the mid eighties regarding domestic violence but they were. The police were not sympathetic. They would come to my door after a 911 call. They would look at me in a totally disgusted manner. When I said David had fled they would simply turn and walk away. They never examined me for bruises or marks. They never even made a report. They never gave me any information about any domestic violence shelters or court remedies. The procedures to have emergency court hearings were not in place as they are now or if they were they didn’t tell me about them. I stopped calling the police because they made me feel like the scum of the earth.
The process of obtaining the restraining order was humiliating. The courts and judges were not particularly sympathetic to domestic violence victims especially well educated ones. The fact that I was well educated made it even more embarrassing. I didn’t have any police reports to corroborate my story. I sensed that they thought I was making it all up – a hysterical woman. There was no self help available through the courts like they have now where you can obtain forms and instructions on how to do everything yourself. I was totally on my own.
Why did I marry him – David? It was obviously a poor choice but of course I didn’t recognize that at the time. The violence didn’t start until the very end when the marriage was falling apart. There may have been warning signs that he was disposed to such violence but it wouldn’t have mattered to me. I would simply have ignored them. I was “in love”. I wanted to “save” David. He has his problems but the power of my love would change him or so I thought. It is hard to believe that I could be that stupid but I was. I have since learned that it is OK to want to “save” the world or help people but it probably isn’t something you should do when choosing a mate. It is better to choose a mate with whom you can form a solid relationship so that relationship can provide the support you need to go out and help others and “save” the world. Crippled partners make for crippled relationships which in my experience can have disastrous consequences.
I was special because only I could understand David and see his good qualities. I would make excuses for his behavior based on his motivation and character that only I could “see”. This motivation and character didn’t exist anywhere but in my mind. “You know how people feel about you by how they treat you,” my friend told me. That was, sadly, not obvious to me.
I thought we had the right feeling for each other. My Grandmother said something to me once. She said what held her and my Grandfather together for 50+ years was the knowledge that they had the right feeling in the beginning. Well sometimes I wish she hadn’t said that to me. Even before there was a media obsession with romantic love I had imbibed enough literature and personal lore to know that I had the “right feeling” for David.
I had absolutely no idea how to discern infatuation from love. I didn’t even know there was a difference. One of my friends told me he was lucky because his infatuation turned into love. I was not so lucky. If I was not so impatient I might have discovered the difference or at least been able to see David rationally. I was impatient to find love or get married or something else.
I was just about to finish college. I had no sense of direction other than getting married. I am embarrassed to admit that but it is true. When the voice of prudence did once or twice whisper in my ear about marrying David I dismissed it. I had convinced myself this was not an impulsive decision because I had analyzed and dissected the pluses, minuses and consequences of such a marriage. I managed to convince myself this marriage was not the result of impulse. But it was. That was a pattern of behavior that I would repeat many more times in my life. (To be continued)
