I spent three days in that desert town on this business trip. So much had changed sometimes it was easy to forget where I was. At times I was overcome by a constant barrage of “what ifs”. What if ……??? How different would my life have been if I hadn’t married Brian? I would probably still live here. I wouldn’t have those memories that drove me away.
What happened to the connections I thought I had forged there? When I moved there I thought I would put down roots and that this would be my new “hometown”. For a time it seemed like that had happened and then with the death of Brian it all abruptly ended. Perhaps our connections to places are only as good as our connections to the people who live there. The connections to our memories, our personal history and the culture and identity of the place can evaporate slowly or they can quickly dissolve as they did with me.
Perhaps connections with people are best left untested by the trials of life. If Brian had not gotten sick I am sure I would be visiting and reminiscing with Eloise on that business trip. Perhaps I am just too hard and unforgiving when it comes to others. Maybe I should have spoken to Eloise in the restaurant that day. I couldn’t at that time. The wound was much too raw. Maybe Eloise would have told me why she acted like she did – why she stopped being my friend when I needed her friendship the most. Would any explanation have been able to change us back from strangers to friends again?
I have come to understand, although it has taken much time, that there are many different types of friendships. A therapist once told me I had an adolescent notion of friendship because I expected too much from people. In retrospect I think she was right. As we mature we have so many competing demands for our time – careers, spouses, and children that there is much less energy and time for friendships. Could I have relegated Eloise to a casual friend? I have learned to enjoy casual friendships but I don’t think I could accept a casual friendship from someone who was once so close to me. I think it is OK to expect close friends to be there during the crises in life if not physically at least with some emotional support. No it was better not to talk to Eloise in the restaurant that day. There was nothing to gain. As it is now I have good memories of our close friendship. It is better left that way. I don’t need to travel down the road of “what if” I had rekindled my friendship with Eloise. This trip to the desert has made it possible for me to stop making that journey. That is a relief!
Unfortunately everyone acted like Eloise during the time Brian was ill and dying. I lost all my friends. Everyone abandoned us. I was bitter about that for many, many years. I made no effort to form any close friendships. Should I trust again? We have no idea how our friends, spouse or children will act in difficult times. We have to have faith they will rise to the occasion and support us. Everything in life is a risk especially relationships. I can’t hide from that forever. I was too lonely. I was going to have to trust again.
I hoped to make better choices in friends this time around or maybe just to lower - maybe that is too harsh a word - change my expectations for others and for myself. Still I am haunted by the question whether it is asking too much of friends to show compassion and stick by you in difficult times?
QUERY: Have we lost the ability to forge those type of connections? ( I hope not.) Is it something that can only be formed when we are young or is it possible to find or develop those connections later in life? Did I simply chose wrongly when it comes to friends? Did I expect too much of them? Is what I see as the loss of "community" in our modern world a death knell for the close bonds of friendship? How do we forge such close and enduring connections? I do know that, as with any relationship, it takes time and commitment. Are we willing to make the effort and take the time to forge such friendships? Does our busy modern life prevent us from having the time and personal interaction needed to form such close bonds? Maybe this just isn't a priority for us anymore. Do you have close and deep friendships in your life? If not do you want them? I know I do. Are you the type of person who sticks by her friends through very difficult times?
QUERY: Have we lost the ability to forge those type of connections? ( I hope not.) Is it something that can only be formed when we are young or is it possible to find or develop those connections later in life? Did I simply chose wrongly when it comes to friends? Did I expect too much of them? Is what I see as the loss of "community" in our modern world a death knell for the close bonds of friendship? How do we forge such close and enduring connections? I do know that, as with any relationship, it takes time and commitment. Are we willing to make the effort and take the time to forge such friendships? Does our busy modern life prevent us from having the time and personal interaction needed to form such close bonds? Maybe this just isn't a priority for us anymore. Do you have close and deep friendships in your life? If not do you want them? I know I do. Are you the type of person who sticks by her friends through very difficult times?
