“How could you have lost your glasses?” I screamed at 5 year old Samuel. “I can’t afford to buy you another pair right now!” I shrieked. I carried on like this for a while longer. I was definitely ranting and raving. Every extra expenditure was a crisis in those days and I often took that and my other stresses and frustrations out on my children. In fact everything was a crisis in those days. I was exhausted all the time. I was overwhelmed by the demands of daily living. Work was stressful. The divorce was dragging through the courts. I was receiving threats and being harassed by the children’s father. The children were acting out and not doing well at school. The house was a mess all the time. The laundry was always piled high. We lived paycheck to paycheck. I would rush home from the office, cook dinner, and help a little with homework, get the younger two bathed and in bed, wash the dinner dishes and fall into bed exhausted hopefully by 9:30 pm. Then I would start everything over again the next day at 6:30 a.m. On the weekends we went to the grocery where some weeks we had only $25.00 for groceries. I was able to take the children on one fun outing each week. We usually went to a park or other free venue to try to have some fun. This is the environment in which my children spent their early, formative years.
During the demise of my first marriage, I couldn’t wait to get out of the office at lunchtime so I could go for a drive. I would race to my car and drive into a quiet residential neighborhood not far from the office. I would park my car, put my head down on the steering wheel of the car and sob for my entire one hour lunch break. I would clean my face up or so I hoped and go back to the office. Thankfully the people at the office were gracious enough not to ask me what had happened. I think they instinctively knew I couldn’t handle their questions.
QUERY: Have you made similar mistakes? Do you berate yourself for them? Do you carry around alot of guilt like I did and sometimes still do? Is it better to forgive ourselves and to devote our energy to finding better ways to handle things? Have you ever apologized to your children for your bad behavior? Did that improve your relationship with your child and/or relieve some of the guilt? What works for you as a parent to deal with your parenting mistakes?
