So many of us grew up believing we had to be “perfect”
in order to be loved. We had to earn love. (Have things changed?) It was not until I became an adult that I realized love is a gift. I
still have a hard time believing it.
Being “perfect” meant conforming to the societal norms
for a “girl”. We were polite,
considerate, thoughtful, never boastful or ambitious, supportive of others, put
the needs of others ahead of our needs, patient, humble and much more. We were supposed to blend in. We never wanted to call attention to ourselves.
(This is one reason we struggled in the work world). We would berate ourselves mercilessly if we
failed in any small way in our pursuit of perfection and love. We would harshly judge and certainly avoid
other “girls” who failed or chose a different path. We looked for “perfection”
in others as well but we were hardest on ourselves.
It is impossible to accept who we are if we are
always falling short of this “perfect female”. (We are even afraid to admit we
have any faults or shortcomings or even make mistakes and so we are dishonest
with ourselves and others.)
Doesn’t genuine love happen, not when we glorify or
idealize another person, but when we love them with all their shortcomings,
foibles and faults? We don’t really love
another person if we love the image or fantasy we have created of them. The same can be true of us. Perhaps that is
what the “experts” mean when they say you have to love yourself before you can
love another. It is only when we accept ourselves for whom we are (and admit we
are not perfect) that we can accept others for who they are. We can experience
genuine love. It seems self acceptance is one part of self-love.
