A few of my son’s friends and acquaintances from college dropped by over the holidays – a couple of guys and a lone girl. They were in route to a concert. They stayed only a few minutes but I could see it in her eyes. It gave rise to that sadly familiar feeling that I have been battling since I moved here four years ago. My daughter moved here first. She and her husband were just starting out and they bought a house in a subdivision that is a great location physically but not highly regarded by the inhabitants of this city. When I moved here to be near them I thought how silly to buy a house some 20 or 30 minutes away. When two people are working and lead very busy lives 20 or 30 minutes can be the same as a couple of hours and result in fewer visits. So I bought a house in the same subdivision as my daughter. I am immensely happy with my choice until I let other peoples’ attitudes enter my world. “Where do you live”, I asked my son’s acquaintance, thinking she lived in another city. She proceeded to tell me she lived in one of the most exclusive areas of this city. She tried, unsuccessfully, to hide her feelings of disdain for where we live. Maybe I was imaging it but I don’t think so. She was definitely uncomfortable and maybe a bit contemptuous of where we live. And I am sad to say so am I sometimes.
I so don’t want to measure success by how much money I earn, where I live, the vacations I take, how busy I am, how much I accomplish in any given day, the clothes I wear and on and on. I battle those demons quite well for certain periods of time. But inexorably I get drawn back to that material measure of success. I am so disappointed in myself when I feel embarrassed by where I live and the choices I have made. I worry that my son notices both his friend’s and my attitudes.
You see, I strive to measure my success(if it needs measuring at all) by the quality of my relationships and connections to my family, friends and the community, by the time I spend doing for others and by my conduct that I hope reflects my spiritual beliefs. Why is that so difficult to do? The obvious answer is that we live in a materialistic world where you are valued and judged by the money you earn, the size of your bank account, your network of business connections, where you live, the car you drive and on and on. A definitive measuring stick is already in place vis a vis these icons of success. In contrast, the “successes” I strive for are rather intangible, difficult to measure and certainly are not highly valued or regarded in the world we inhabit.
My four children and I moved to this city together some four years ago. We live in the same neighborhood. We see each other at least weekly but usually much more often. I passed up several lucrative job opportunities to pursue what I wanted to do and how I wanted to live. When I tell acquaintances all or some of this they look at me askance. My sense is that they think I am strange or weird. I definitely feel like an outsider in mainstream America.
I am disappointed in myself when I allow this young girl’s looks of derision to take me down the path of regret for the choices I have made and the life I lead. I chastised myself for a time for not being more mainstream. Then I revisited the huge positives in my life and the regrets were dispelled.
I am waiting for and working toward the day when I am totally comfortable with the way I measure success. I am making progress. This time I was able to excoriate the feeling of failure much more quickly than in the past. It would be great if the world would set a different standard of success but, sadly, I am not waiting for that to happen. I seem to be out of step with the world a good bit and that can be a lonely feeling. Still I will continue on with my chosen life path recognizing that one of my faults is that I look too much for validation from others. I’m working on that too!
Q: How do you measure success? Does your life really reflect what you value and how you measure success?
Q: How do you measure success? Does your life really reflect what you value and how you measure success?
