“What do you mean you can’t count money,” I said to Jessica. “It is simple. Here is how you do it,” I impatiently said in a raised voice. A five minute, hostile demonstration ensued after which I left to clean up the kitchen after dinner. Jessica struggled with that issue and others for quite a while. She didn’t ask me again for any help with her homework. Of course my message to Jessica was that she was stupid even though I don’t think I ever said that word.
“If you don’t leave us alone I am going to disappear in the night and you will never ever see the children again!” I told David. I thought for sure he would have given up and gone away by now. It had been over 11 months since I filed for divorce. During those eleven months, David punched and hit me in front of the children. He called me at all hours of the day and night and threatened me with further violence. David regularly threatened to kill me in front of Jessica. I was absolutely desperate. I thought about this for months before I said it to David. I spend a good bit of time thinking about what state I would go to and how I would change my name so he couldn’t find us. It had no effect on David. Maybe he didn’t believe me. Maybe it was just a fantasy but I don’t think so.
“Frank can you please speak to your brother and get him to leave us alone?” I said into the phone. I don’t know how I had the courage to call him but I sensed that Frank would believe me when I told him what was happening. I hadn’t spoken to Frank or anyone in David’s family since a few months before I filed for divorce. Frank was the one and only person David looked up to. Why hadn’t I asked for his help earlier? Was I was embarrassed or ashamed? I wasn’t the one acting like a maniac. Frank was, as usual, gracious and kind. Shortly after that conversation David moved back to his home state.
The court eventually entered an order for child support. David simply ignored the court order. He never paid any child support. I wasn’t surprised and really didn’t much care. All I ever wanted from David was for him to leave us alone. I sensed that if I tried to enforce the child support order David would come back into our lives. The money was not worth it. Years later when I tried to collect some child support that is exactly what happened. I abandoned my claim forever.
“Samuel has been missing on his bike for several hours,” the after school babysitter told me over the phone. He was 5 years old at the time. I left the office in a panic and drove around our neighborhood. I found Samuel riding his bike with some older boys in the desert. This wasn’t the first or last time I would received that phone call
“Mrs. Smith this is Dr. Howard. I am the school psychologist at Remington Elementary School. We tested Samuel in preparation for kindergarten. He has a learning disability and we recommend he be placed in a special education class for a year before matriculating to the regular kindergarten class.” I left the office in tears and drove home.
“M’am this is the police department. We have you son Samuel here at the convenience store. He and some other boys tried to steal some chewing gum.” Samuel was seven years old at the time.
“I quit,” the babysitter told me as soon as I walked in the door. “Samuel is impossible. He doesn’t follow any rules. He is impossible to control. He does what he wants when he wants. He took off on his bike again today and was gone for 3 hours. I was afraid to call you again,” she said in exasperation. I couldn’t argue with her because it was all so true. This was the third sitter that had quit in about 4 months. As if finding them was not difficult enough – keeping them was even harder. I hoped she would agree to stay until I could find someone else.
“Samuel pack a suitcase and get in the car. You have to find someplace else to live,” I said. “Where are you going?” Jessica asked Samuel. “Mom is giving me away, “Samuel replied very matter of factly. After we got in the car I started to drive around our neighborhood. “Samuel you have to find another place to live unless you can agree to follow the rules,” I said sternly. He was about seven years old. “Will you follow the rules?” I asked. Samuel was silent. I stopped the car. This kid is going to call my bluff I remember thinking to myself. He is the most stubborn kid on the planet.
“Get out and go knock on one of these doors and ask if you can live there,” I said. Samuel didn’t move. “Do you want to come home and follow the rules?” I asked hopefully. Again Samuel was silent. He got out of the car and stood at the corner holding his little suitcase. My heart sank. It was getting dark. “Have you changed your mind?” I asked Samuel. He was silent. “OK I am leaving now,” I said. I drove away and around the block. My heart was racing. What was I going to do? I waited what seemed like an eternity and then I drove back to where I had left him. He was standing in the exact same spot on the corner still clutching his little suitcase. I opened the passenger door. “Do you want to come home and follow the rules?” I asked. Samuel nodded his head, “yes”. He got into the car. Samuel’s behavior improved somewhat after that. At least I was able to keep a babysitter for longer than a month or two. It was an abominable thing to do but I was desperate. I couldn’t work unless I had a babysitter. I couldn’t keep a babysitter unless Samuel behaved. Samuel’s refusal to follow even the most basic rules could result in him getting hurt or worse.
Q: Under trying circumstances the balance between discipline and abuse sometimes can be hard to discern. It is easy to look back when life becomes easier and berate yourself but I think perhaps we did the best we could under the circumstances. There are things I did as a parent I am so ashamed of but hopefully I am learning to forgive myself. Have you had similar experiences and feelings?
