Saying Goodbye (Part Two) or What do we expect of our children?

          “I had a serious conversation with Gary before he left for college.  I am very worried about the level of his partying this past summer.  I reminded him rather strongly that he is going to college for an education not partying.  I want him to have fun but he needs to find the balance.  (Finding that balance is part of his maturation process).  Well, I should confess that “reminded” may not be a strong enough word.  I warned him.  I threatened him.  I used every tool available to me to let him know I expect him to get good grades and a good education.  That is why he is going to college.”  I ranted all of this to my friends during lunch one day last week.

          My one friend looked at me rather disapprovingly. I think she thought I was much too “tough”. I could also read on her face that she was shocked that Gary was such a partier.  She is one of those parents who believe her children are perfect and that they tell her everything that they do.   So I got defensive and I started doing even more tough talk and ranting, as if that would justify my position with her.  Afterwards I felt stupid that I had let this mother of “perfect” children make me feel bad about my own child and my own parenting skills.  I thought I was beyond that but I guess I still have my sensitive spots.  Maybe I always will.

         Her disapproval of Gary’s behavior and my parenting style got me thinking though.   I used to have a “secret agenda” for my children.  As I have matured as a parent, it has been refreshing and healthy to bring those agendas and expectations to the surface and look at them.  That is often a difficult thing to do as it is now.  Why am I so angry?  What is it I expect of Gary?  Oh I am clear what I expect in terms of grades and studies.  But I sensed there was some expectation beyond that immediate one that I was not being honest about with myself or him.  I started mentally wrestling with my “expectations”.

          I don’t want to say that Gary “owes” me because I don’t feel that way.  I have done for him for the past 18 years out of love, not duty.  The sense of duty was the mantra of my parent’s generation.  You owed your parents and would be required to do things for them like take care of them when they were no longer able to care for themselves.  Their relationship was based primarily on responsibility and duty.  I don’t want that to be the primary basis of my relationship with my children.  But in running away from a relationship based on duty we may have embraced a relationship based solely on what you “feel” like doing for the other person.   “We need to let our kids do their thing,” we say to each other.   But that attitude seems to totally eradicate certain important elements of our relationship, any relationship. 

          I don’t believe that Gary owes me in the way my parents believe I owe them or they owed their parents.   But I still feel he “owes” me something although I don’t like the word, “owes”.  Gary “owes” me respect for what I have done and sacrificed for him.   I want him to recognize my contributions and honor those contributions and me not by doing something specific for me but by building on the foundation I provided for him for the past 18 years.  He fulfills his obligation and honors me by, in college, getting good grades and a good education and, in life, by acting as a moral person.   I want him to recognize that he is not doing everything for or to himself.  If he fails it affects me and hurts me too.  I want him to think about that as he makes his decisions. 

           Perhaps that is what was meant in the Bible when it is said “Honor thy mother and father”.  I never understood that Commandment before.  I thought it meant something superficial like being polite and respectful to your parents.  But it is much deeper than that.  It means to honor the work and sacrifice your parents have made to get you to your adulthood.  Children honor their parents not with empty words, but with actions.  The actions I speak of are those that exhibit the values imbued in them and modeled for them by their parents. 
         That is my hope for Gary and ultimately what I expect from him.  I have given him a moral compass. He must learn to navigate with it.  This is the maiden voyage and I am afraid for him and for me. Therein lies the source of my anger.  Now that I understand my expectations and fears I can communicate them to Gary.  Of course this conversation will have to wait a while until Gary actually calls me from college!  What are your expectations for your children especially the young adults who are going out on their own for the first time?