Are you a "person of substance"?

Maybe because it is the New Year I have been thinking a lot lately about the people in my life and whether I would classify some of them as a “person of substance”.  I’m not saying that everyone in my life should be “a person of substance”.  There are many different kinds of relationships.   However time is very precious and I don’t want to devote a great deal of time or energy to people who do not have “substance”.   I became very bitter about friendships during my husband’s terminal illness and after he died. (I write about those experiences in my book.)  I don’t want to repeat those experiences.

What does it mean to be a “person of substance”

 The first question is “Are you a person that important people in your life can count on when they really need something especially when “helping” is not an easy or convenient thing for you to do?

More Holiday Talk?!

There is so much said about the holidays it seems almost trite to write about them.  Perhaps what I like most about the holidays is that things do slow down even if for brief periods of time.  I think our lives are much too busy.

At Thanksgiving -our American holiday - is a time to focus on what we are grateful or thankful for. It can be difficult to remember that we have so much especially when our culture is one that values striving for more.  We seem to be pushed to focus on what we lack or want rather than what we already have and could be enjoying.

Christmas is a time for connecting with family, friends, neighbors,community and showing that we do care.  We are so busy during the year that having time to do even some small things is a wonderful gift.  I am a mid westerner so I like to follow one of our traditions and bake Christmas cookies which I take to neighbors and friends.

New Year is not a time of resolutions for me but I do find myself reflecting on the past year and what I have learned, enjoyed and accomplished.  It is a time for me to refocus myself on whether I am living the life I want to live. Where am I spending my time, energy, money?   Am I using my resources and my talents - whatever they may be - to enrich my life and the life of others around me?  Do I feel fulfilled?  You get the idea I think. I can't write down everything I think about but it is a good time to refocus on what is  most important and finding ways to have time for those things.

Happy Holidays to everyone!

In Pieces

Does it seem like we live our lives in fragments or pieces?  Our lives are so permeated with change.  We change jobs, houses or careers or cities.  We change partners.   We have alot of beginnings and alot of endings.  Where is the continuity? What do we have in our lives that is constant and unchanging?   Previous generations had more stability perhaps even staleness.  We seem to have more change and maybe even thrive and rely on change. Is it too much change?  Do we lose something by constantly changing?

No Pain No Gain

I was late to an appointment, as usual. I am one of those annoying people who arrive 10 minutes late for every appointment.  No matter how hard I try I can't seem to break that habit.  Typically as I am walking out the door I remember I need to do something before I leave so I go back in and I am delayed.  It could have waited until I returned but I didn't think so at the time.  Enough digression.

I was not driving in the "best" part of town according to general perceptions.  I was following a city bus - ugh - with no way to get around it.  As the bus pulled away from the bus stop I saw a young man racing to try to catch the bus and get the driver to stop for him.  Of course he was unsuccessful.  He was stopped on the sidewalk a few feet in front of my car panting heavily and looking totally dejected.   Without thinking I opened my car door."Where are you going?", I asked.  "Downtown", he replied.  "Get in", I said.  

There was a very uncomfortable silence as we both wondered what the heck we were doing riding in my car together.  Then we started to chat a little about ourselves.  Eventually he thanked me for picking him up.  He didn't want to be late for his appointment and didn't want to be one of those people always making excuses for being late.  As he got out of the car he leaned in and said, " I never would have believed you would have picked me up".   "I know", I replied.  I understood exactly what he was saying.

He was a young black man with tattoos, dreadlocks and baggy clothes.  Most people would classify me as a "suburban" woman which I agree with on many levels. I have no idea why I stopped and picked him up that day.  We had both made assumptions about each other based on our appearances and I think we would both agree our assumptions were wrong at least in that moment of time.

I felt really good after he got out of the car.  I know he did too.  It felt good to do something nice for a stranger but it was more than that.  It  felt good to connect with someone who I typically would have judged as a person I did not want to voluntarily interact with.and who I judged even as a little scary. And we did connect. I still get a warm feeling when I think about that short car ride that happened a year or so ago.

To connect we really do have to go outside our comfort zone whether interacting with a stranger or revealing how we really feel or think to a loved one.


Sometimes it is even painful to take the first step and reveal or share something about ourselves It is scary to be vulnerable.  But like the saying goes for working out - no pain -no gain.

Why bother?

Being connected takes a lot of effort. There are things to do that require much less effort and energy - like watching TV, shopping, playing video games, etc.  The list of passive entertainment is endless. Why bother to make the effort to connect?  

Connections Continued

Being connected, in my experience, means being "a part of" something but it requires more than just being a member of a family, group, organization, etc.  That "extra piece" may be what makes us feel "a part of" something - feeling fulfilled and nurtured by our attachments or membership.  Your thoughts? What does that "extra piece" look like for you?

"CONNECTIONS"

What does it mean to you to feel "connected" ?