Love thyself? Narcissism?

What does “self-love” mean to you?

It recently came up again but I have heard the term “self –love” discussed by many psychologists for many years.  I have always had a vague notion about the concept but what really is self-love?  I do know it is considered to be an important concept for personal growth but I don't have a real handle as to what it really means or how to find it and use it in my life.

I have always been wary of the term because in the world in which I was raised it was equated or confused with being conceited or selfish.   It was not a concept we were raised to value or look for. Attitudes have changed but I see that perhaps some parents have gone a bit overboard in counteracting the messages of our upbringing.  In seeking to raise children to value themselves I hope we have not created young adults that confuse self love with narcissism.  Narcissism to me is caring only about yourself and having no concern for others except for how what they do affects you.  Narcissists lack empathy. 

So I have decided to begin a quest to define self-love, find it or the lack of it in my own life and decide if I really should develop more of it to help me live my life to the fullest.   I hope you will join me.

Awards for achievement or something else?

As the time for the Oscars approaches I am reminded of my perception that we  bestow too may awards in our culture.   Perhaps it is just that awards can garner more attention because of the media.  But I rather think we bestow too many awards and in doing so the awards become watered down and less meaningful. In some professions the award becomes more of a marketing tool than an actual award for an achievement.   (In some fields I think it is too difficult to "judge" achievement.)  Anyway I find myself being cynical when I hear about another award or award winner.

Are there too many awards?  Have many of them become more of a marketing tool than a recognition of achievement?   Are some of them bestowed upon people who lobby and network the best rather than those that have "achieved" something noteworthy?  If so perhaps we should be careful to distinguish between types of awards and stop calling all of them achievement awards.  Some of the awards would be better recognized as marketing awards or self-promotion awards. Then we could really honor those who have "achieved" great things.

A paradox in the age of facebook and twitter?

I have noticed what appears to be a paradox.  In this facebook, twitter age it seems the more we reveal about our “outer” lives -activities and opinions the less we reveal about our inner lives – emotions, desires.

 As I reflect on the New Year I have “resolved” to “work” on creating closer personal connections by sharing more of my inner life. I am not talking about spending more time on twitter or facebook. I am referring to spending time in the physical presence of people I want to connect with on a deeper level. (It requires a willingness to be “vulnerable” but that is a subject for another time.) 

When people engage in activities together it seems to be easier to communicate with and open up to each other.  A few activities that come to my mind are cooking a meal together or going for a walk together. These allow us opportunities to talk to each other which activities such as going to a movie together do not allow.  Perhaps it can be described as engaging in a communal activity versus a solitary activity done together.

I have noticed that I often want to cancel these get togethers at the last minute. I don’t feel like it or I have some other excuse.  It seems like so much effort to physically get together especially when we can email, tweet or post something on facebook when we feel like it.  It does take more effort but it is so worth it.   You can only discover that if you give it a try.

New Year Reflection before Resolution

It is the start of a new year and we feel like our lives can have a new start as well.   Often we act on this feeling of “newness” by resolving to shed some of our bad habits or by vowing to create some new good habits.   I have nothing against New Year resolutions.   I just believe they would be more productive if they were preceded by some honest reflection about our lives and ourselves. 

Here are a few of the things I am reflecting on at the start of this New Year.  Has my behavior over the past year reflected my values?  Or perhaps have I strayed from those values in how I treat others?  Am I putting my energy into activities that promote my values?    Am I holding a “grudge” against a co-worker, employer, friend or family member?   How can I resolve that grudge?   Holding onto anger keeps me anchored in the past and in unhealthy patterns of behavior.  Failing to be true to my values causes me to not like myself.

  Sometimes we don’t even realize these things are happening to us.  We just have a small nagging feeling that something is amiss or not right.   It is very easy to ignore those feelings by staying busy or occupied.  We live in a world that values activities and staying busy. Time spent reflecting is often seen as a waste of time and a sign of laziness because we didn’t “accomplish” a task that can be quantitatively measured.

Honest reflection can lead to resolutions for change.  We always have the power to change our lives by changing our own attitude and behavior even if nothing else changes.  So join me in reflecting this New Year.  It may be the most productive thing we can do even if we can’t “prove” it to someone else.

Happy Holidays to everyone.

I hope you can escape from our much too busy regular lives to  find some time and "peace" to really enjoy the things you like whatever that may be.   I enjoy this time of year because I am able to spend time with family without the nagging feeling that I should be working or doing something on my "to do" list.

Are you a "person of substance"?

Maybe because it is the New Year I have been thinking a lot lately about the people in my life and whether I would classify some of them as a “person of substance”.  I’m not saying that everyone in my life should be “a person of substance”.  There are many different kinds of relationships.   However time is very precious and I don’t want to devote a great deal of time or energy to people who do not have “substance”.   I became very bitter about friendships during my husband’s terminal illness and after he died. (I write about those experiences in my book.)  I don’t want to repeat those experiences.

What does it mean to be a “person of substance”

 The first question is “Are you a person that important people in your life can count on when they really need something especially when “helping” is not an easy or convenient thing for you to do?

More Holiday Talk?!

There is so much said about the holidays it seems almost trite to write about them.  Perhaps what I like most about the holidays is that things do slow down even if for brief periods of time.  I think our lives are much too busy.

At Thanksgiving -our American holiday - is a time to focus on what we are grateful or thankful for. It can be difficult to remember that we have so much especially when our culture is one that values striving for more.  We seem to be pushed to focus on what we lack or want rather than what we already have and could be enjoying.

Christmas is a time for connecting with family, friends, neighbors,community and showing that we do care.  We are so busy during the year that having time to do even some small things is a wonderful gift.  I am a mid westerner so I like to follow one of our traditions and bake Christmas cookies which I take to neighbors and friends.

New Year is not a time of resolutions for me but I do find myself reflecting on the past year and what I have learned, enjoyed and accomplished.  It is a time for me to refocus myself on whether I am living the life I want to live. Where am I spending my time, energy, money?   Am I using my resources and my talents - whatever they may be - to enrich my life and the life of others around me?  Do I feel fulfilled?  You get the idea I think. I can't write down everything I think about but it is a good time to refocus on what is  most important and finding ways to have time for those things.

Happy Holidays to everyone!