A paradox in the age of facebook and twitter?

I have noticed what appears to be a paradox.  In this facebook, twitter age it seems the more we reveal about our “outer” lives -activities and opinions the less we reveal about our inner lives – emotions, desires.

 As I reflect on the New Year I have “resolved” to “work” on creating closer personal connections by sharing more of my inner life. I am not talking about spending more time on twitter or facebook. I am referring to spending time in the physical presence of people I want to connect with on a deeper level. (It requires a willingness to be “vulnerable” but that is a subject for another time.) 

When people engage in activities together it seems to be easier to communicate with and open up to each other.  A few activities that come to my mind are cooking a meal together or going for a walk together. These allow us opportunities to talk to each other which activities such as going to a movie together do not allow.  Perhaps it can be described as engaging in a communal activity versus a solitary activity done together.

I have noticed that I often want to cancel these get togethers at the last minute. I don’t feel like it or I have some other excuse.  It seems like so much effort to physically get together especially when we can email, tweet or post something on facebook when we feel like it.  It does take more effort but it is so worth it.   You can only discover that if you give it a try.

New Year Reflection before Resolution

It is the start of a new year and we feel like our lives can have a new start as well.   Often we act on this feeling of “newness” by resolving to shed some of our bad habits or by vowing to create some new good habits.   I have nothing against New Year resolutions.   I just believe they would be more productive if they were preceded by some honest reflection about our lives and ourselves. 

Here are a few of the things I am reflecting on at the start of this New Year.  Has my behavior over the past year reflected my values?  Or perhaps have I strayed from those values in how I treat others?  Am I putting my energy into activities that promote my values?    Am I holding a “grudge” against a co-worker, employer, friend or family member?   How can I resolve that grudge?   Holding onto anger keeps me anchored in the past and in unhealthy patterns of behavior.  Failing to be true to my values causes me to not like myself.

  Sometimes we don’t even realize these things are happening to us.  We just have a small nagging feeling that something is amiss or not right.   It is very easy to ignore those feelings by staying busy or occupied.  We live in a world that values activities and staying busy. Time spent reflecting is often seen as a waste of time and a sign of laziness because we didn’t “accomplish” a task that can be quantitatively measured.

Honest reflection can lead to resolutions for change.  We always have the power to change our lives by changing our own attitude and behavior even if nothing else changes.  So join me in reflecting this New Year.  It may be the most productive thing we can do even if we can’t “prove” it to someone else.

Happy Holidays to everyone.

I hope you can escape from our much too busy regular lives to  find some time and "peace" to really enjoy the things you like whatever that may be.   I enjoy this time of year because I am able to spend time with family without the nagging feeling that I should be working or doing something on my "to do" list.

Are you a "person of substance"?

Maybe because it is the New Year I have been thinking a lot lately about the people in my life and whether I would classify some of them as a “person of substance”.  I’m not saying that everyone in my life should be “a person of substance”.  There are many different kinds of relationships.   However time is very precious and I don’t want to devote a great deal of time or energy to people who do not have “substance”.   I became very bitter about friendships during my husband’s terminal illness and after he died. (I write about those experiences in my book.)  I don’t want to repeat those experiences.

What does it mean to be a “person of substance”

 The first question is “Are you a person that important people in your life can count on when they really need something especially when “helping” is not an easy or convenient thing for you to do?

More Holiday Talk?!

There is so much said about the holidays it seems almost trite to write about them.  Perhaps what I like most about the holidays is that things do slow down even if for brief periods of time.  I think our lives are much too busy.

At Thanksgiving -our American holiday - is a time to focus on what we are grateful or thankful for. It can be difficult to remember that we have so much especially when our culture is one that values striving for more.  We seem to be pushed to focus on what we lack or want rather than what we already have and could be enjoying.

Christmas is a time for connecting with family, friends, neighbors,community and showing that we do care.  We are so busy during the year that having time to do even some small things is a wonderful gift.  I am a mid westerner so I like to follow one of our traditions and bake Christmas cookies which I take to neighbors and friends.

New Year is not a time of resolutions for me but I do find myself reflecting on the past year and what I have learned, enjoyed and accomplished.  It is a time for me to refocus myself on whether I am living the life I want to live. Where am I spending my time, energy, money?   Am I using my resources and my talents - whatever they may be - to enrich my life and the life of others around me?  Do I feel fulfilled?  You get the idea I think. I can't write down everything I think about but it is a good time to refocus on what is  most important and finding ways to have time for those things.

Happy Holidays to everyone!

In Pieces

Does it seem like we live our lives in fragments or pieces?  Our lives are so permeated with change.  We change jobs, houses or careers or cities.  We change partners.   We have alot of beginnings and alot of endings.  Where is the continuity? What do we have in our lives that is constant and unchanging?   Previous generations had more stability perhaps even staleness.  We seem to have more change and maybe even thrive and rely on change. Is it too much change?  Do we lose something by constantly changing?

No Pain No Gain

I was late to an appointment, as usual. I am one of those annoying people who arrive 10 minutes late for every appointment.  No matter how hard I try I can't seem to break that habit.  Typically as I am walking out the door I remember I need to do something before I leave so I go back in and I am delayed.  It could have waited until I returned but I didn't think so at the time.  Enough digression.

I was not driving in the "best" part of town according to general perceptions.  I was following a city bus - ugh - with no way to get around it.  As the bus pulled away from the bus stop I saw a young man racing to try to catch the bus and get the driver to stop for him.  Of course he was unsuccessful.  He was stopped on the sidewalk a few feet in front of my car panting heavily and looking totally dejected.   Without thinking I opened my car door."Where are you going?", I asked.  "Downtown", he replied.  "Get in", I said.  

There was a very uncomfortable silence as we both wondered what the heck we were doing riding in my car together.  Then we started to chat a little about ourselves.  Eventually he thanked me for picking him up.  He didn't want to be late for his appointment and didn't want to be one of those people always making excuses for being late.  As he got out of the car he leaned in and said, " I never would have believed you would have picked me up".   "I know", I replied.  I understood exactly what he was saying.

He was a young black man with tattoos, dreadlocks and baggy clothes.  Most people would classify me as a "suburban" woman which I agree with on many levels. I have no idea why I stopped and picked him up that day.  We had both made assumptions about each other based on our appearances and I think we would both agree our assumptions were wrong at least in that moment of time.

I felt really good after he got out of the car.  I know he did too.  It felt good to do something nice for a stranger but it was more than that.  It  felt good to connect with someone who I typically would have judged as a person I did not want to voluntarily interact with.and who I judged even as a little scary. And we did connect. I still get a warm feeling when I think about that short car ride that happened a year or so ago.

To connect we really do have to go outside our comfort zone whether interacting with a stranger or revealing how we really feel or think to a loved one.


Sometimes it is even painful to take the first step and reveal or share something about ourselves It is scary to be vulnerable.  But like the saying goes for working out - no pain -no gain.